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Paper Cuts…#poem#poetry

This weeks #poem#poetry is a bit of a long one, again chosen by the class.

Paper Cuts

You want the control,
come and then hit me.
You want the submission,
come and then beat me.
You wanted my fear,
come and then kick me.

But it’s just paper cuts.

Time stoped the bleeding.
Scrapes stopped the stinging.
And bruises would fade,
where boot contact made.

But it’s just paper cuts.

First I was distraught,
Each time I was caught.
But I became numb,
for beating to come.

But it’s just paper cuts.

My running day ends,
from you and your friends.
When turning from flight,
and starting to fight.

Because it’s just paper cuts.

Along with the pains,
then came the names.
Not delivered with wit,
but hatred and spit.

But it’s just paper cuts.

Name callings public,
your put on display.
Teachers they join in,
with things that they say.

But it’s just paper cuts.

Children start chanting,
the things that all say.
Twisted, contorted,
by end of the day.

But it’s just paper cuts.

My head it would rattle,
when I dared to tattle.
Was told it not matter,
what children did natter.

Because it’s just paper cuts.

Name callings harmless,
the banter just fun.
Snowflakes are harmless,
unless by the ton.

But it’s just paper cuts.

Some wording distorted,
and used to control.
changing their meaning,
destroying their soul.

But it’s just paper cuts.

You alter the tone,
it carries a threat,
Misheard the meaning,
“cause I am upset”?

But it’s just paper cuts.

World seams so slanted,
I’m put in my place.
Can it be better?
depends on your face.

Because it’s just paper cuts.

Your words the damage,
numerous in time.
wounding is mental,
paper cuts, so fine.

But it’s just paper cuts.

One cut is painful,
more than its size.
When you have several,
the pain it will rise.

But it’s just paper cuts.

Cuts that your words leave,
slice into, my soul.
Never quite healing,
there taking their toll.

But it’s just paper cuts.

You keep on slicing,
it’s day after day.
never quite seeing,
what others, will say.

Because it’s just paper cuts.

You weakened my strength,
you’ve taken my hope.
Then it’s all my fault,
I “just conna cope”.

Because it’s just paper cuts.

Not the one hurting,
and feeling the pain.
You can’t conceive it,
the pain in a name.

Because it is just paper cuts.

Inwards it’s turmoil,
viewed outwards as “shy”.
What was expected?
You cut me, I cry!

It’s not just paper cuts!

Bosses, no different,
their stature to prove.
Skilful word twisting,
their ego’s improve.

It’s never just, paper cuts.

Doubt plants a small stone,
in every new cut.
Open wound festers,
as cannot it shut.

It comes with the paper cuts.

Now socially awkward,
not clever with speech.
Your cuttings have taught
me “what I can reach”.

I feel alone with the paper cuts.

I’m now in training,
defending myself.
I have new skillsets,
improving my health.

Enough with the paper cuts!

I will not listen,
and travel your way.
If you don’t like it,
you don’t have to stay.

I’m stopping your paper cuts!

Paper cuts it’s never been,
just one on its own.
Your words of wounding,
are yours now to own.

You get to own your paper cuts.

Used them unknowingly,
in words that I use.
I should know better than,
poke fun and abuse.

I get to own my paper cuts.

What I’m now learning,
as child should be taught.
Socially skilful,
the bully to thwart.

Eradicate the paper cuts.

Now time to end them,
there’s no room for buts.
With skills will defeat
them, end paper cuts!

A § M
19/6/2017

Reflections…Week Twenty Three

When you know you have caught a bug.

Not the insect kind, though I do with my son, nor the germ kind, this be the new ‘habit’ kind.

One started the blogging just to write something, Miss Ross’s words have echoed around my mind since High School like a squeaky fan in an air conditioning duct. She said I could, and should write a story as she enjoyed reading mine, she also said I failed to write a beginning and an end, it felt like I had just jumped to the action in the middle and I should put them in. Unfortunately copies have not been kept.

To start, writing was a chore, it was hard work, especially when people started to follow me and like the blogs, this added pressure to write well. Writing well is not something I feel I can do naturally, the structure and form of writing is lost on me, and don’t even ask what a simile, metaphor, adjective or pronoun is. These were never explained to me in a learning style I could follow.

I know oxymoron; somehow one feels like this is saying something about oneself.

Now one looks forward to writing, it’s even become a pleasure. My little note book is carried around and ideas are written down in it, often. But now I know one has caught the writing bug. More specifically the Poetry writing bug.

It is still done within the confines of therapy, but I have just finished my third in as many weeks, tweaking will follow of course. Two of the subjects were set as ‘themes’, and in the little notebook are ideas for more. One knows that the quality will not be of the highest standard, but I don’t care, I want to write another, and that is how one knows one has caught a bug.

As bugs go this has the chance of metamorphosing into something much different than what it is now.

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2017

Reflections…Week Twenty two

canstockphoto8630797A week of uncertainty, a week of determination.

For nearly three weeks part of my medication has been unavailable, completely ending my dose just shy of a fortnight ago. No weening off, just a sudden stop, ended, and as it is the only one in its class, no alternative.

Luckily, I have had no side effects, BUT, and it is a big but – after multiple failures to obtain the medication it took a week , due to one thing and another, to find out if I was at risk of harm from the sudden stop and what my options were.

Not the risk of harm as in suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, the usual bag of side effects. No the question was more of physical, I have been on this medication for years and my body chemistry would have adapted, to a degree, at receiving it daily.

The staff at the groups I use have been kept aware of what has been happening and helping where they can, so I have good, knowledgeable, organisations as backup should things start going wrong. Family are also available, so two safety nets as it were. But it is the group staff that have had the most concern, they have seen people ‘go off’ their meds, and the results are not usually pretty.

If I was at the stage that my belief in the medication is the source of my healing, I would have been worried, but since being on the medications my health as a whole has decreased, co-incidental?

When you go onto medication and you show side effects that the doctors doctors don’t see as problematic, weight gain, brain fog, heck, even my illusions were classed as a side effect by one doc, the usual “it’ll go away in time” becomes the standard reply. This is, I believe, because you cannot test for side effects, so how do you prove/disprove they exist in a patient? My sudden development of a twitch and stammer could not be found in a book, not in patients over the age of 16ish, so that too got the “it’ll go away eventually” line.

Add in the factor of ones improvement due to therapies, that also has no test for it, you have two variables of ones health that do not fit into the equation. The drugs get all the praise and none of the blame, does this really help the patient?

There are reports by some doctors in America, including at least one Psychiatrist, that say the drugs are not the answer, and a homeopathic approach is better for the patient long term. Now I don’t know if that is true or not, since there is no profitability by the drug companies, there have been limited studies on it, but I don’t know why it isn’t available alongside as part of the treatment, possible side effects – better health, better diet, shorter amount of time on the medication, therefore less exposure to the common side effects of suicide, suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety…

One goes to a weekly group that, for want of a better term, does life learning. Which is to say ones life choices, usually influenced at an early age, are questioned and alternative thought patterns are offered. The idea is simple, identify negative traits, identify why they are there, explore alternatives, implement small changes, find oneself and become oneself. Sometimes we are shaped, including our reactions, from outside sources, to a point we become less us and more what is expected to ‘be’.

Yes I am aware I speak as one and as multiple, this can also be a side effect of the shaping, segments of ones personality can get segregated.

Side note  pomegranate/pear/raspberry juice with spirulina and green superblend powders…yuck…eugh…nasty!

I believe I have been lucky in experiencing no side effects (to present), and I would not recommend stopping medication to anyone, but I would recommend you going to as many free therapies/groups/courses as you possibly can that are available in your area. The amount of courses/groups I have gone to is the reason I don’t fear coming off the medication, even as a trail, how else can it be proven if it was the  drug or whether it was changes made during my stay at the mental hospital responsible for the improvement of my mental state and whether the drug has been ‘working’ these past years?

In the West Midlands there are groups like Brighter futures, Echo, Mind, Healthy Minds and Changes, these are the ones I know about but not all of them, they are free and recognised Mental Health groups.

If a series of events and responses in the past are responsible for present, then is it not a good thing to learn to change the responses in order for the future be different than the present?

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2017

 

Reflections…Week Thirteen

IMG_0167Positivity section bellow the intro.

This week has seen a bit of a flurry on the blogging side; even as I write this it somehow still feels surreal.

I have just seen my blog on another website, not on the WordPress site I had the invite from but a different website. I am not disappointed my work ended up there, more surprised it had over 30 likes in two days, so for me it is great exposure, it’s one of those sites Facebook sends me to on clickbait.

If you had asked me at the very tentative beginning of my blogging if I thought I would be asked to guest write on another site, I would have thought you strange at best. I honestly thought it would end up like all journalling to that point… Short lived. Especially as there was no enthusiastic charge unto the breach.

Now my ego has had a massage, a shoulder rub of sorts, the kind that says – “it’s worth it.”

I still don’t know in which direction writing is going to take me, but I do know I can connect, even a few at a time, through it. And if that message is one of positivity, a positivity that can have a change effect, even by accident, is it not then worth pursuing?

Here is such an attempt.

Try this out when you walk, it will surprise you how  effective it is, well it surprised me.

From now on, no matter how sh***y you feel, no matter what the weather,  no matter how tired you are or how alone you want to be, headphones on or off, big dog, little dog, Black dog. I know the feelings of wanting to be alone and the effort it will take to do this, I started at two, I also know that the excuses will come easily, if you let them.

Pick a time or place to do this that has the least negative emotional impact on you, doubly hard if just getting outside the door is a monumental task, such as a dog walk route you regularly take or the little diversion on your walk home from work, your weekly walk around the park even. You may have noticed I walk, Spot, my ever faithful Jack Russel, has kept me going outside, out of the door, for most days; but I need the open space to do this technique. Adapt it to suit your way.

For those of us that wear a mask, this will sound all too familiar and will almost be ‘second’ nature, but will have a different outcome than the usual dance.

Practice your smile because a good looking smile is key, even if it FAKE!

As I stated earlier I started with two for the first week, after this I challenged myself to Three. I am now on seven, yes I know it’s anal to keep count at this point but it’s what I do.

Smile to the chosen number of people each day, on a dog walk this should be relatively easy. Look them around the eyes and Smile, the best smile you can do, and say a greeting, whichever you feel comfortable with. You don’t have to stop and talk, heck you don’t even have to slow down. They don’t need to hear you, so headphones are not a barrier and they don’t have to make eye contact back, so no staring!

You will get some odd looks to start, this takes time to take effect, but eventually you will get a repeat pattern of people who see you smile. If you live in an over crowded area, pick out stall people, you don’t even have to shop, just make it easier on yourself to do this.

Here’s the science:-

When you smile within a certain group of people, other dog walkers for instance, you will get noticed because of it, especially when a pattern  starts to take place. The greeting is an added bonus. As people start to recognise you as the person who gives them a smile, they don’t know if it is real or not but its natural to believe it is, they will start to smile back. This way on your journey you have strangers that smile when they see you, take it on face value it is genuine, it will have a tendency for both of you to genuinely smile in time anyway, so why not start with that belief.

Now this is where it gets interesting. Your smile has a great probability of having the person smiled at, smiling to at least the next person they walk past. So if you have chosen three as the number to smile at, and each of them has the chance to smile at a minimum of one other, on your chosen route, that means six have been smiled at because of you!  If they smile at one it’s nine. You may even cheer someone up who needs a ‘friendly face’, even a strangers on a street.

Smiling is infectious apparently and we subconsciously like places that are ‘friendly’. The chain effect of people smiling at one another makes for that  friendly place, this in turn draws the same people back and they in turn catch the smiling bug. Without conscious thought those smiles turn to genuine ones.

Try something that seems to have been forgotten, something free, something that can improve your mental health as a by-product.

SMILE 🙂

Be radical!

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2017

Writing an “I AM” poem

canstockphoto8630797This is something new for me, I had never heard of an “I AM” poem till group today, asked if I was putting it on my wall after the ‘leader’, for a want of a better word, read it to the group, I hesitated before saying “maybe”.
To be honest, I don’t think I have written a poem since school, a time long, long ago, I’m not sure if this even qualifies as a poem but here it is.

This is my “wall”.

I am…fractured.
I wonder…what is.
I hear…the wind.
I see…water flow.
I want…one mind.
I am …fractured.

I pretend…in front of others.
I feel…the weather outside.
I touch…my dog, Spot.
I worry…I am not heard.
I cry…often.
I am…fractured.

I understand…all I have learnt.
I say…what is required.
I dream…of my life to be.
I try…to get there.
I hope because, it is all that is left.
I am…clambering out of the river, battered, bruised, unsure of my location, cold and afraid; but alive.

https://www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/writing

Reflections…Week Ten

canstockphoto8630797Positive well-being was the course for this week.

Run by Brighter Futures and Echo, these free learning courses cover subjects, in my opinion, that should be taught in schools, and here I am half a lifetime later just learning how to social interact.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t for one minute blame my teachers for the playground bullying and the social awkwardness I felt, nor do I think that the teachers should be doing these subjects whilst teaching other subjects, I think this should be a class of its own. Self development. I believe the school “holiday’s” at Stanley Head was the closest I got to this.

But this was out of context to normal life, most of my bullies were of an older age, so not there, and as every “team event” from that point onwards seems to be sorted – outcasts were paired or grouped with outcasts.

Could my life have been different if I was taught how to recognise different personality types, therefore having mine recognised for its benefits, and how to best interact and work with each? If I was taught how to build my self esteem, would that have put an end to the bullying, at work if not at the school? Would I have not turned down promotions, because I had been told by my peers at school that I was worthless, so could not possibly hold the position? Could I take rejection better, or even praise? Could I have been a better human being?

The term human being may seem a little odd, de-personalised even, and in a sense it is. Having had the point in my life of being so low as to be sectioned, being sectioned is not the same for everybody -this is my own personal account – and questioning the very existence of the world around me whilst trying to comprehend the in-comprehensible implosion of my life. Implosion does not even begin to explain the complete claustrophobia, of ones own minds creation, and the fears it creates to try and protect itself, but I could not fathom a better word that describes the inward collapse without referencing some obscure theoretical physics reference.  You become the ultimate weapon to defeat yourself.

But through therapies, courses, art and persistence, I have started to realise that my actions of the past were heavily influenced by the negative actions of others.  Some where quite literally beat into me, and to my shame, I interacted with others the same way. This also had the effect of making me easily manipulatable, having a previously unknown sense  of wanting to please, easily falling for a “distress story” requiring help and being self destructive within my personal life.

It’s easy to look back and say “yes, it could have!”, but strangely this action would hold me back from going forward, would have..should have..could have.. belongs to the Three Stooges, not me.

I may be a late starter in self development, but a start I have made, its kind of like learning a new language, you either have to be taught it or shown how to implement it through interactions with a range of people in a controlled positive environment, these courses do both.

Through the blogs I have learnt that it is not just what you have to say, but also the way you say it that impose barriers. I have to learn to replace I’m with I am, I’m has become a negative for me. Never do I go to the trouble of saying “I am not” it is always “I’m not” when the following words are negative. I have even been shown that no can be said in a more positive way.

This word simple swap and pause can empower…

“I, AM”

This is my way forward. This is my way to a better me.

I,am change!

I, am my future!

I, am now!

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2017

Reflections…Week Seven

Positive blogs, humorous if possible, has been the goal for the blogs that get published.

This week was to be about the assertiveness course I attended on thursday, but my son, on one of his bi-monthly sleepovers, is trying to cope with a death, not in the family but of one of his school friends mother, she was known to my son as she also worked at the school. So this is primarily on my mind.

Myself and my ex don’t agree on a lot of things  and this covers one of those areas. Boys don’t cry, or rather Big boys don’t cry. I’m in therapy, partially due to locking away emotions, trying to be the Big boy, so naturally have a different view.

The confusion, pain and loss on a mind that does not yet comprehend the cycle of life, death is something to get up from and retry in play, has been evident all day. Subtly I have been letting him know a cuddle is always there and tears with  daddy are ok. It is an ongoing reassurance that he can talk openly about anything and ask any questions he wants. If there are areas that have differing views I try to express that, at least a courteous acknowledgement to that fact. It took all day before he could talk about it and I was honest in my reply.

I too have a first memory of a death, although I was a year or two older. The death was that of my Grandfather and it hit me harder than anyone was expecting. I recalled to him that I can still remember the feelings of confusion, sadness, loss, of not understanding what adults where saying, of not knowing what to do with the feelings that where new to me, how to react. Tears came to my eyes as they always do with this particular memory, I didn’t hide them from him. I wiped them away whilst telling him that different people react differently to the same situation but I have learnt now, that talking about ones feelings helps, and crying is ok.

All I can do is let him know I am here for him, for a talk, a hug or just a shoulder to cry on.

My sympathies go out to his friend for the loss of his Mother.

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2017