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Category Archives: Mental Health

Reflections 2019 w25

The wind blew at my strapped down Tilly hat as I crested the hill that was once a fort at Dinas Dinlle, sea spray travelling over the land in a fine mist, leaving the taste of salt with each heavy breath.

I love these dog walks with Spot.

My heart pounds with the exertion my body has with the short but sudden climb, lungs filling with fresh, clean air; Welsh air. I hear only the sound of the wind and crashing waves, glad I am not trying to fight the sea to catch a fish or two, not even the bleating of the sheep can be heard. I know not if they are hiding in a far off field or just behind the wall, silently waiting for the wind to die down. Even the seagulls hang in the air as though they are in a painted seaside scene.

The only other people I can see in this quiet place are other dog walkers, some are clearly taking pleasure in the weather, others look like they wish they had cats. It’s not cold, but some are dressed like it was the middle of winter, accompanied by a bloke in shorts. My smile as we pass seems to convey my humour at the sight, much to the annoyance of the person wrapped up, which in turn makes me smile more. Not in a mean way…OK it might be a little mean.

I never get bored of doing the same walks over and over again at the coast, or in the countryside. I find a peace with the empty space, a quiet in the natural sounds, the voice in my head has nothing to find fault with that cannot be easily forgotten by something to see. Yes I may just sit and cry, emotionless, yet calm. Not knowing why, but accepting the release of pressure.

These are the times I know there is hope, because these are the times I do not need to lean on the medication.

They just do not happen often enough. But I am Grateful that they do at least happen.

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2019

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Reflections 2019 w20

Goodbye dear Elan…

As some of you may have picked up on, I have a dog, Spot. But she was not the only dog from the end of my failed relationship, there was also her dad, Elan. Who sadly has ‘passed away’ from ill health and old age in the time between my sons last visit and this one.

It was a tough decision on which dog to leave behind because I could not take both, Elan was a cracking dog, but my son had begun a strong bond with him…Hand feeding him from the bowl whilst he stays on the couch will do that. So the decision was made easier for me, my son would have a faithful dog and friend.

Elan was chosen for a name from one of the American Indian languages, it meant ‘friend’, he lived up to that name.

I am grateful that whilst we were looking for frogs, my son tried to deliver the news. He struggled a little, but enough was said for me to ask the question…”Is Elan still with us?”.

And I am also grateful for the fact we can talk about the feelings connected with this loss. And that when he talks of him, it is of love and affection, with a smile on his face.

So goodbye old friend, and if there is a heaven…Please don’t get too excited and piddle on Gods foot.

A sad message for my 200th post…

https://www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2019

Reflections 2019 w 19

Some of you may have noticed that a poem came out earlier in the week, this is from a batch I have not published, for whatever reason, I thought I had until trying to show someone a poem via this site.

And it was not alone.

In all there will be a poem scheduled every week until August.

Allotment news…The green houses have been moved/dismantled, still work to be done on the raising platform and getting the old area cleared of rubble, but it is a lot closer now to completion. My gate has become the gate of ‘wow’, although all I see is a building site still. But one nearing the end.

And this week also started a ‘trial’ gratitude journaling course at the West End Centre. So far it is a book of affirmations toward gratitude and colouring in, but I may be missing something. We will see.

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2019

Reflections 2019 w12

Well another day of making my disc bulges suffer, but another part of the allotment altered. This now makes 2/3’s of it done. At the weekend the shed will have a new home, floor and roofing felt. This will then allow me to get its current site level for the greenhouse to move location.

I am moving away from two greenhouses and going for one sidewards and a large cold frame, that is in itself 3/4 of the floorspace of the green house it will replace. This will, on bricks, be plenty tall enough for the pepper plants, to give some sort of scale. The roof can however be easily removed to allot plants to grow upwards as though they were on a plot, theoretically it should be a little more versatile than the greenhouse, and the benefit of having one greenhouse is having it side on for the winter sun, expanding the season.

So, 3 more maul jobs to go, and then a visit to the chiropractor.

I was asked by the psychologist last week if one enjoys the allotment, and the confusion was evident when I said no. It’s just one maul job less than last time, there is no sense of achievement because it has not been completed, and one does not know how long my body will keep taking the punishment, the Tramadol has increased on some days.

But that is what you get for wanting to completely alter the plot, the only things that have not moved are two apple trees, a crappy plum has gone and a pear has been transplanted, they were 10yrs old and a half day maul, armed only with a shovel, foul language and my weight. The pear is showing signs of life thankfully.

A huge amount of work at the beginning of my first year to make life easier in the long term, and standardising lengths of cages, fleece and netting.

Does my plot look like anyone else? No, it looks like I copied and pasted a design on a computer and then translated that onto the ground. That was the concept, to know exactly how many plants can be planted in each one for differing sizes. Therefore planting catch crops can also be calculated.

I sow in modules/ paper pots to give the plants extra time away from the slugs, and knowing the number has made this a doddle for the planning.

As for the slugs, it was my sons weekend to visit this week, and we completed the hedgehog house for the allotment, should one drop by and decide to have a banquet, a B&B if you will.

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2019

Reflections 2019 w10

Less of a reflection and more of a pondering.

If it takes more effort to be negative than to be positive, why are so many of us wired to the negative?

If it takes less effort to be positive, why is this not the first option? We will, unless a challenge is the goal, nearly always take the path of least resistance, and the path that gives a reward is alluring.

So it would make sense that all of humankind would be trying to attain a constant state of positivity.

But we don’t. Why?

Instinct would have us securing water, food, and shelter; a moral boost comes with fire. But positivity? Have we in the ‘civilised world’ become complacent about our lot?

It takes time and effort to stay in a negative state of mind, to focus on the negative and block out the memories of the positive. To churn over the thoughts of someone who has done you wrong, rather than focus on those in your life that have brought light into it.

When do you have time for that when you have so and so to think about, the revenge or the next meeting you will have , where you will prove you are better than them. That all takes time; and ones complete focus.

What benefit does it give us?

Think a sad, unhappy, angry, sceptical, bitchy thought. And you will be in a mood that brings you down. Stay in that mood and it make you unwell. It can physically make us ill.

What is the reason for it?

Is it natural?

Or is it man made?

 

What side of the see-saw have you placed your thoughts?

 

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2019

Reflections 2019 w09

Not much to report this week regarding the allotment, the only thing done has been a large leaf mold bay. Lots of shopping has however been done for it.

Wilkinsons have 2.4m canes in a pack of 10 for £3, and as all the canes over 1m on the plot  had to go, lets just say two shops have had their stock either depleted or very near to. The 1.8m canes are easier to get a hold of with very little price difference if the parking money is taken into account.

Seeds and plants have been ordered for the march onwards sowing, I had bought the Jan/Feb seeds last month, due in a couple of weeks, that will start with an earnest in the greenhouse. So between now and then one hopes to get the paving area done for the sheds new location. Dependant of course on the winter weather that is supposed to be here next week. One has been able to do quite a bit whilst the weather has been good.

And my body lets me know I have…Often

Other than that…

Two poems have been written, on has taken nearly two months to get right, but it’s hard to write about the darkness when your stumbling around in it, and I refuse to go back onto full time meds if there is no therapy to go with it. The other one was a challenge by a friend in one of my groups who misses the poetry sessions we used to have at another group. That flew out whilst sitting at Sainsbury’s for my Mum and neighbour to finish their shopping. It must have been on the back of my mind for some time, as the time one wrote about is from last February.

And I handed in a concept for a piece of art my art coordinator for a group asked me for. Not anywhere near what she was thinking, I hit that ball that far out of the park it landed in a different county.

We will have to see if that goes any further, as she cannot fathom the mechanics of the painting. Even with my working model.

Thats it for this week, hope you are all well.

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2019

Reflections 2019 w03

Some people have a natural ability to tune emotions out, it’s a defence mechanism to prevent emotional pain. Some tune out the good emotions, also as a defence mechanism against pain. ‘Staying’ with the darkness seems less dark if the light is not allowed to shine in to illuminate the shadows edge.

Especially if the light shows us we are much deeper in the shadows chill than we thought.

Even if the choice was to hide in the shadows, away from sight, it does not guarantee that we won’t stumble in the darkness ever deeper, unknowing, until it is to late.

And when the mind is in wracked in pain, there is no positive.

The rapids have just got to be rode out, hoping that the rocks do not cause too much damage before the water calms and a chance to get out appears.

But sometimes those rapids just seem to keep on going, knock after knock, after knock.

I have a friend that is in the rapids at the moment, in the pain; hiding in the shadows. But she is with help. That is going to be the the difference between scrambling to shore, and not having enough strength, slipping back into the water to travel the rapids some more.

The journey is going to be hard and the trek up the bank steep and long, but, we, her friends believe she has the strength left to do it. And we will lend her our strength when we can.

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2019