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Category Archives: Depression

Reflections 2019 w39

One has jut had a Holliday in wales again. Wet, windy and a lack of fish in the sea.

Not all the weather was wet to be honest, myself and my brother had a couple of afternoons sitting in stunning little bays watching hundreds of ferry swimming around below our feet, just no larger ones to catch on the hook. Luckily for me the views are the main part of the fishing, catching is a rare bonus.

However, my brother and I did look like we were fishing at different seasons. I was in shorts and he was in a quilted jacket, thick trousers and complaining he was cold.

One has been taken off my anti psychotic meds now, and the anxiety attacks are getting worse. Until it can be proven that my pain medication is/or is not causing the rash/bleaching of my skin it is in the great wisdom of the psych team to not place me on any meds for my mental health.

Which would not be a problem if the medication was just part of the treatment plan, as I was told it would be 8 years ago. But it is not, so how low one has to go before they change their mind we will have to see. I suppose it all depends on how quickly I get through the tranquillisers one has for emergencies.

I hate this treatment ‘plan’.

Reflections 2019 w36

This weeks reflections is going to be a little different, and I apologies in advance for those that read these and my poetry releases – there is going to be a double up.

All of us at some point will have to experience this, in fact it is probable the only thing in life we CAN guarantee…

My heart goes out to those sharing the feelings that this time brings.

So here is the (amended) poem…

 

JOE

 

TV now stands quiet,

We’ve no need now to shout.

For Uncle Joe, he was quite deaf,

When hearing aids fell out.

 

No – “Oh, Hello.”

Followed by a smile.

His chair it sits empty now,

It has done for a while.

 

We’re not here a visit,

But sorting what is left.

Wonder what this item is?

And, Why was this thing kept?

 

Memories we’re a sharing,

Whilst doing this last task.

With fondness and with laughter,

What more can we now ask?

 

What things we find of value,

Will those that we will leave?

More precious are the memories,

To those that do bereave.

 

I hear the clock a ticking,

Just like those at Nan’s.

Noise level is a matching,

Dried peas n shake tin cans.

 

Yes everything is leaving,

All of it must go.

We’ve said  our last fare-well,

To my,

Uncle Joe.

 

Rest in peace.

Mare’s Field…#Poem

Mare’s Field

Tales of a pond,

Nay, there be two.

Whispers in playground

of what we should do.

Sneak over the road,

and find the red path.

Shrouded by talk trees,

we giggle and laugh.

Follow the leader,

who’s been there before.

Telling us stories 

of what is in store.

Frog spawn and tadpoles,

the stickle back fish.

Something called newt,

to see it we wish.

Crested the first hill

and broke through the trees.

masses of bankside,

our little eye sees.

Follow the footpath,

go down and go up.

Sharing a bottle,

each taking a sup.

Onward we venture,

to crest one more hill.

There in its glory,

Gleams pond water still.

This was our first time 

’twas never our last.

Mare’s field’s our future,

our present, our past.

Remember the pleasure

you had in this park.

Maybe go wander,

when life looking stark.

 

A § M 

05/06/2019

Gratitude…#Poem

Gratitude

Maybe my Gratitude

was met with a platitude,

until I started to think.

What if ones Gratitude,

with a change of my attitude,

allows for the good vibes to sink.

No longer in servitude,

or feeling of lassitude,

but nectar thats ready to drink.

Found not in solitude,

but part of a multitude,

In crash or simply a dink.

I now take an interlude,

to build on my fortitude,

find solace, instead of the brink.

 

A § M 

29/05/2019

Reflections 2019 w30

Last week I was not doing well with my mood, and I took medication for it. I have left that post as I wrote it because it shows something that most people see…The effect some medication has on someone as given as a ‘cure’ or ‘managment’.

When you hear that someone is on medication for something, you expect into get the person better, but that is not always the case with mental illness medication. The medication may help one area but make the person so un-functional they create new problems…Often we’re told that the symptoms will go away with time.

But is it that the symptoms go away or we just stop complaining about them to deaf ears. Ground down to the point of giving up. Known side effects of the medication dismissed as not connected.

Many people I know who have medication for mental illness create a routine AROUND the medications side effects.

This, to me, is not  helping the person to function normally, commonly presumed, nor is it going to improve the persons health. Starting the medications is like playing Russian roulette, you never know what negative side effect you are going to get – or if the side effect is going to get you sectioned again.

Taking medication for mental health can in itself create a whole lot of stress, confusion, depression and death.

And that ladies and gentlemen is just the anti depressants.

There are  no studies, as far as I am aware, that have found out what the side effects are when on multiple tablets all having similar side effects.

I am on one that affects my thyroid, so I now have thyroxine to take, this is known to be effected by my pain medication (told by a doctor). But there is no link, according to another doctor. And my thyroid is worsening.

All coincidence.

 

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2019

Reflections 2019 w25

The wind blew at my strapped down Tilly hat as I crested the hill that was once a fort at Dinas Dinlle, sea spray travelling over the land in a fine mist, leaving the taste of salt with each heavy breath.

I love these dog walks with Spot.

My heart pounds with the exertion my body has with the short but sudden climb, lungs filling with fresh, clean air; Welsh air. I hear only the sound of the wind and crashing waves, glad I am not trying to fight the sea to catch a fish or two, not even the bleating of the sheep can be heard. I know not if they are hiding in a far off field or just behind the wall, silently waiting for the wind to die down. Even the seagulls hang in the air as though they are in a painted seaside scene.

The only other people I can see in this quiet place are other dog walkers, some are clearly taking pleasure in the weather, others look like they wish they had cats. It’s not cold, but some are dressed like it was the middle of winter, accompanied by a bloke in shorts. My smile as we pass seems to convey my humour at the sight, much to the annoyance of the person wrapped up, which in turn makes me smile more. Not in a mean way…OK it might be a little mean.

I never get bored of doing the same walks over and over again at the coast, or in the countryside. I find a peace with the empty space, a quiet in the natural sounds, the voice in my head has nothing to find fault with that cannot be easily forgotten by something to see. Yes I may just sit and cry, emotionless, yet calm. Not knowing why, but accepting the release of pressure.

These are the times I know there is hope, because these are the times I do not need to lean on the medication.

They just do not happen often enough. But I am Grateful that they do at least happen.

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2019

Reflections 2019 w12

Well another day of making my disc bulges suffer, but another part of the allotment altered. This now makes 2/3’s of it done. At the weekend the shed will have a new home, floor and roofing felt. This will then allow me to get its current site level for the greenhouse to move location.

I am moving away from two greenhouses and going for one sidewards and a large cold frame, that is in itself 3/4 of the floorspace of the green house it will replace. This will, on bricks, be plenty tall enough for the pepper plants, to give some sort of scale. The roof can however be easily removed to allot plants to grow upwards as though they were on a plot, theoretically it should be a little more versatile than the greenhouse, and the benefit of having one greenhouse is having it side on for the winter sun, expanding the season.

So, 3 more maul jobs to go, and then a visit to the chiropractor.

I was asked by the psychologist last week if one enjoys the allotment, and the confusion was evident when I said no. It’s just one maul job less than last time, there is no sense of achievement because it has not been completed, and one does not know how long my body will keep taking the punishment, the Tramadol has increased on some days.

But that is what you get for wanting to completely alter the plot, the only things that have not moved are two apple trees, a crappy plum has gone and a pear has been transplanted, they were 10yrs old and a half day maul, armed only with a shovel, foul language and my weight. The pear is showing signs of life thankfully.

A huge amount of work at the beginning of my first year to make life easier in the long term, and standardising lengths of cages, fleece and netting.

Does my plot look like anyone else? No, it looks like I copied and pasted a design on a computer and then translated that onto the ground. That was the concept, to know exactly how many plants can be planted in each one for differing sizes. Therefore planting catch crops can also be calculated.

I sow in modules/ paper pots to give the plants extra time away from the slugs, and knowing the number has made this a doddle for the planning.

As for the slugs, it was my sons weekend to visit this week, and we completed the hedgehog house for the allotment, should one drop by and decide to have a banquet, a B&B if you will.

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2019