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Category Archives: Depression

I Don’t Want To Go Outside …#Poetry#Prose#Poem

I Don’t Want, To Go Outside

 

I don’t want to go,

exposed outside.

But behind this door,

remain and hide.

What is it, out there,

I fear, to face?

Nought but the monster

in my own head space.

The door is where

the line is drawn.

Even though my mind’s,

where the monster’s born.

The fears in the fog,

where the shadows will hide.

Upon gusts of the wind,

will the monster ride.

The rain its tears,

as it passes overhead.

In the suns long shadows,

it will hide instead.

The ice its skin,

as it slithers under foot.

Its cold, cold hand,

on exposed skin put.

Hear the dogs a barking,

to scare it away.

Movement in the trees

and the branches will sway.

The birds are disturbed,

take flight with a shrill.

as the frost of its breath,

in my lungs will chill.

No there’s nothing out there,

but what’s in my mind.

And my mind’s made up;

We’re not going out.

 

A § M 

18/05/18

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Reflections 2018 w20

On Thursday, at the B-WELL drop in, there was a joke made, after I had said some news – well more of an update on my medical journey, that I would not be going the workshop on Monday.

The workshop?

Suppressing Emotions.

It all came about because of my tone and the usual answer to “how are you?”, we are not allowed to say fine because that stands for…

  1. F…Feelings
  2. I…Inside
  3. N…Not being
  4. E…Expressed

So I go with “OK”, I can’t even be bothered with the lie of ‘I’m.

So the news…

I have had yet another referral for therapy rejected without so much as saying hello, this makes six or seven times now – drugs – they are thrown at me, but therapy…Pft!

And I am not expressing any emotion, I may have had a little rant with the my-medical-experience poem/prose I wrote, but other than that one does not know what one feels – except numb.

If I go to the doctor with this feeling – it’s the depression – and it is back to the meds.

But what else am I supposed to feel? Any emotion that has a negative connotation to it will be medically suppressed. So suppression becomes a self defence so you do not get placed on more medication that could strip away the person within. It becomes automatic.

The psychologist I spoke to (that had to deliver the months old news), a young lady still in training, was very empathetic, and full of belief in the system. All to often the empathy is the first thing to be beaten out of them from the doors closing as they try to get a patient treated – other than medication.

I sincerely hope that it never happens to her, we need more like her, is all I left that room thinking.

How sad is that?

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2018

My Medical Experience …#Poetry#Poem#Prose

My Medical Experience

 

A broken leg will not be left,

pain killers just be given.

No gaping wound be stitch denied

a plaster handed out.

A foreign object pierced the skin

would not be left to fester.

And if your heart will have attack,

would lazy just be called?

An if to walk you need some help

would therapy be given?

 

But what if these you were denied, and only pills be given?

What if these will come with scorn, and government you blame?

How well would you become?

How soon would you to work return, if nothing was to change?

And if you’re told you choose that life, because you find it easy.

How welcome would you feel?

 

There is no magic pill to have, that is – what we are told.

But now they have a pill for that, it’s new, just look, behold!

Therapy supposed to be, to solve the problem had.

But all I do is take damn pills, and this i’m told be glad.

Side-effects to be ignored, or worse just be accepted.

But still I go and battle on, I’m drained, I have been emptied.

 

How long do I remain unwell, and better not be getting,

before you will accept your wrong, and your pills – they need a vetting?

 

A § M 

15/05/2018

 

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk

Reflections 2018 w13

One does not know how we got there but at the B-WELL group it was decided we needed a picture of a tree to have turned into a jigsaw, one that represents a persons journey through life…The initial idea was simple enough.

A painting of a tree.

Somewhere along the line I was named the ‘resident artist’, as such you would have thought one would know when to not get involved. Alas, one has to yet learn this.

I piped up that as it was a jigsaw maybe having words of empowerment would work, as the person doing the jigsaw would be consciously looking for that word. I for one keep repeating a word over and over when looking for one, whether that be a word search or having text in a jigsaw. So it could work like a mantra.

So here we have the simple idea of a tree with words around it.

Not quite.

The more one thought about it the more I found the idea ‘fake’. Maybe it’s being in a very long trough of depression sqewing my thinking or it is just the artist in me, but it seems that the tree could have a much bigger symbolic meaning, that it should be true reflection of the reality of life.

At this point I do not even know if the tree is even going to be the focal point of the picture.

 

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2018

 

Reflections 2018 w07

Therapy, my very first Psychiatrist said, will be the thing that gets you better, the medication is only a bandaid, a short term help.

I did get some therapy after that, but only for my free gift of twitch and speech problem…erm…acceptance – once these were accepted I could no longer be treated by the physical health psychological team. However a recommendation for further treatment was sent to the mental health team at the time.

This was rejected due to my involvement in some group work, conflict of interest, and when finished I chased up the recommendation. This got an interview, and another rejection – due to oneself having many coping mechanisms, most of which were highlighted as negative in the group therapy, but in this setting they were seen as positive. The biggest coping mechanism that I have is avoidance, if it is unpleasant I somehow have worked out methods of avoidance for it, or for at least part of it/its stimulations.

Now here is where one has to state that I want to get better become a better person than before, major changes to how my mind works have altered ones perspective of oneself, and I wish not to ‘return’ to the person that ‘broke’. I do however wish to get rid of the dyslexic like aspect towards text (Dr quote “it will go away in time”) and the severe anxiety around people, outside, starting something new, life etc.

One has found a use for, most of, the illusions (Dr quote “it will go away in time”) through my art and writing, so one no longer finds them as disturbing. The twitching (Dr quote “it will go away in time”), that came from something but it’s hard to say what – actual Neurologists take on the twitching and the change in speech, is quite literally an anxiety/ stress indicator, the worse the anxiety/stress the worse the twitch.

If you see my right arm and hand do an invisible ranting hand puppet impression, I’m not having a good time – if I am stamping as well – stand clear of the exit.

My change in speech (Dr quote “it will go away in time”) was helped with speech therapy, who had a different view on whether it would change. Basically if it is anxiety caused, this is rare in adults over 40, common in children though, then receiving therapy to reduce/get rid of the anxiety, could, get rid of the stammer/stutter.

The magic pill it seems is therapy and hard work.

By now any free therapy was seen as a potential for healing, Anger Management (twice, with different companies), person centred therapy, this took me five weeks and a lot of psychological text books and notes for the next meeting to understand how it worked. With only three weeks to go I finally understood it was not an anger management therapy session as I was originally led to believe when one was referred. Which made me p’d off.

Each thought my diagnosis was incorrect and could not understand why therapy had been withheld.

A change of Psychiatric hospitals and another suggestion of therapy, another test and another rejection. Am I any better? NO!

Then comes the constant flow of trainee Psychologists/Psychiatrists – “you would benefit from therapy, I will suggest that that be looked into.” – NEXT – “you would benefit from therapy, I will suggest that that be looked into.” – NEXT…

There has been no problem describing drugs though. One hopes you never come across a doctor who gives you only pain killers for a broken leg, for years.

But one wishes to end with some good news…

In a roundabout way I have been referred to the original place that I received the original psychological help, this time however one is not going to just roll over and accept the diagnosis (of no diagnosis), it makes no sense to me either – but they have a drug for it.

I wanted to end with some good news.

But for some reason though I had a phone call from the G.P saying the Hospital referral has to be discussed with my G.P first??? And they are the ones that referred me to the Hospital department. WTF? It may take me a week just to get an appointment with the G.P. I’m already dragging a mountain and a black dog around – I don’t need this anchor of doubt over the therapy again!

Sod em…Some good news.

I saw the International Space Station pass overhead for the first time last week. And when I get the chance to see it with my son on one of his visits I will.

 

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2018

Reflections 2018 w06

The importance of a journal when your mind refuses to work.

One sits at the keyboard not being able to recall what it is that one has done over the week. Turn to my diary/journal, it was suggested that I keep one but never explained why, and it seems that there is a couple of days it has not been filled in. Honestly it is a habit that has yet to fully take hold, perhaps if an explanation as to why it is beneficial beyond appointment times (the diary aspect of it), I may be more enthusiastic about keeping it in order. Rarely is a theme for the week taken from the diary/journal, it is usually from my notebook that is always carried around with me, absolutely anything is written in that.

To me the notebook has an important role to play for me, it holds the spark of an idea for a painting, a poem, a story or even the reflection for the week, as well as appointments, if it is out when they are made. It is the physical manifestation of thought.

This week is however was a  blank on what to reflect upon and it was in desperation that the past weeks journal entries were looked upon for a glimmer of inspiration. I cannot recall for certain what has been done or where I have been this week. This is not uncommon in a depressive anxious brain, it’s so busy trying to out manoeuvre all the dangers it has invented, there is no processing power left for the non threats to be remembered. At the same time the brain does not like blanks and will fill it with vague memories of weeks gone past. Heck my brain even fills blank areas of places with shops/buildings from another area. It is really confusing on a day out shopping when it has done that.

In the end my blank memory has been matched by my blank journal entries, and in the blankness comes a reflection – keep the diary/journal in a place where I can see it.

Make it a routine to place it, along with the notebook, in one designated place.

I can see a sticky note being placed somewhere as a reminder when that place has been selected.

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/the-blogs

Reflections 2018 w05

Well another month has been and gone, not all the things I wanted to put into place have materialised and some were just late. Outside forces have played their role, and my unenthusiastic approach has been reflected by the weather conditions.

However one has managed to start on a website design, with Wix, for a friend from group, when it is completed a piece will be written on it as a kind of launch. It is a worthy cause I am glad I can help with it.

So January was not a complete bust, February it seems is wanting to start with the dentist as I sit here typing this with a quarter tooth missing. I so hope it has had a root filling in the past. There is a point of no return for teeth when the dental care has been lacking in years gone by, something I hope my son will not follow.

I finished the painting that was commissioned by the B-WELL group and when it is placed on the wall it will be placed on my website. Although I did not get paid for this commission, it is non the less my first commission, and it is my own design, heavily influenced by the Blobby Tree theoretics but far enough away from the actual picture that it has/will have its own identity, complete with my sense of humour. There may even be a cartoon on the trees growth and story of the little people and the well around it. I have seen the animated story in my head, it would not stop once it started.

The prize for the writing competition was a £10 voucher for The Works, the story will be published in Brighter Futures February newsletter along with the other entrant/winners story. Hopefully there will be enough feedback from the piece to get a more popular writing competition next time. my-first-writing-competition-entry

My goal of mapping the local parks/woods and blogging about each one did not start last month partially due to the weather and partially due to the struggle to get out doors. I know that even warmer weather will not change that struggle to get out of the doorway.

Thats the rundown for the last month.

Where has the time gone?

Why are the weeks flying by so fast?

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2017