One is going to try and write this without going into a moan.
Circumstances out of my control this week had me meeting the duty manager at the hospital. I was sent there by my art coordinator because my twitching was at a state she has not seen before. And she thought it best to be seen now to see if the medication, they stopped pre Christmas, could be looked at again.
So I went up, and saw a nurse due to us mental patients turning up like busses, one duty manager – 4 patients.
So I start talking to the two of them, I presume one was a trainee, although it was never mentioned, and they initially concluded that I may need some depression medication, though one would have to wait until my appointment on the 24th of Feb.
This has been the standard treatment so far – medication, medication, medication. With each new med I get a new side effect that makes me ill, coincidence of course. That is not a snarky comment, it is what I am always told – it is just coincidence.
I commented on a few other things and on the fact that the medication does not work. At least work to the end goal of fixing the problem. To which they agreed it was not a long term solution. This I was told right at the beginning, nearly 9 years ago, it was also when I was told medication for depression was only a short term help. Therapy is the answer to working through it.
I may have mentioned this before.
One has also been told my depression is a side effect of another problem, rather like pain from a broken leg, don’t fix the leg – don’t fix the pain.
A common diagnosis from councillors is PTSD, mainly from the lifelong bullying, but topped with a stressor that pushed my mind too far.
This however has always been dismissed by the psychologists who follow the initial diagnosis made from a Neurological psychologist who was looking for physical causes to my problem. Due to the sudden onset of twitching and stammering. Overruling in one half an hour, once a year, a diagnosis made from several hours over a couple of months. But their diagnosis does not matter. Even if it renders why I am with them obsolete.
Counselling has been for the twitch, speech, and voluntary anger management, twice now, mainly to try and alleviate my frustration with the mental health treatment. Even this is now following patterns of some bullying/manipulation methods. ‘There is the door, leave if you want to, we wont stop you..whilst stopping you, controlling you, manipulating your possible actions.’
Treatment for the psychological aspect of the speech and twitch led towards the PTSD diagnosis from a psychologist, but therapy could go no further as it was not linked to the day to day acceptance of the twitch in its physical psychological form. I had accepted there was nothing I could do…Because the doctors told me there was nothing I could do.It will go away in time.
So a recommendation for psychotherapy was made by them, and then ignored.
So there I was…Physical problem causes mental problem? No, maybe, cant rule it out, but it may be that the mental problem causes the physical, but that’s rare so it cant be that, don’t want to make the condition common now. And it does not fit with the depression diagnosis.
Over and over again this pattern of therapy denial has taken place over the years.
But why have I bought this up?
Because I must have said the correct few words at that meeting. It went from “I don’t think you need psychology, just medication.” To being put down for recommendation for psychology and exposure therapy and group therapy.
One presumes one has not resolved the issues that are keeping myself unwell through the 8 plus years of medication.
But will it lead to anything this time? Or will it just be quashed once more? The cycle of frustration and hopelessness looping over and over, yet never moving.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel…It’s just a shame it’s the light from the tunnel construction crew way up ahead, furiously building new sections of tunnel.