RSS Feed

Monthly Archives: February 2020

Reflections 2020 w08

The problem with long depressive episodes is not caring where everything goes, and if you are sorting out your belongings to either sell or make room for something else at the time of the episode, you tend to place something you cannot find at a later date. Or worse you have cleared it out — for some, now unknown, reason.

It appears I have done this with a notepad I cannot find. Fast running out of places to rearrange once again, in a hope of finding it, a common side effect of coming out of a low dip, is leaving one perplexed. I know I have not thrown or destroyed the notebook, because it has a parker pen connected to it, my blue ink one.

I can only locate my black ink one, this has a different colour clip for identification purposes. The blue one originally had green ink, with really helped with the words not moving around, but had the annoying habit of  clumping ink on a regular basis before depositing  it to be smudged on the second pass of my hand. So I changed it to blue.

The black is just for coursework or form filling.

I like my blue pen, and I dislike the black hole of memories depression leaves.

Which is why I have the notebooks.

Reflections 2020 w07

Last week I wrote about the storm that had come through, and this week there is another storm coming through.

Now I live in an area that has not been hit hard nor flooded, but the dog walk at the local park had an area flooded over the path, the first time I have seen this in the 7 years of walking there, and the normally ankle high, slow flowing brook, is currently at least 2ft high and flowing like a downhill mountain stream.

I only hope that the areas flooded have a chance to drain the water away before another storm hits, we are not having enough time to dry out between rains. And the UK is renowned for being wet.

If anyone is interested there is a video on the 100 year flood by practical engineering on youtube. It goes a way to explaining how we are exaggerating the flooding by how we build houses and roads, it is not as many think, about how we build defences.

This may go to explain why previously unaffected areas are now being hit, It acts like a domino effect, one raindrop affecting the next.

One wonders, will we ever learn how to live with nature in this modern world, or will it take ever increasing ‘freak’ weather occurrences to get our attention?

Reflections 2020 w06

On Friday I finished the green house, it is ready for the growing season. Shelving made from the old greenhouse frames has been done, custom made for the square trays I bought for the job.

I just hope it needs no repairs after the storm that has come through last night and today. A neighbours roof has lost several tiles, they are not small ones at that, and after venturing out this morning one has seen a scattering of tiles, branches and twigs over most of the roads, the storm has left it’s mark. I hope that it has not left a trail of large destruction for others who had the brunt of it.

And why would one venture out in such weather???

Art supplies.

A new style of painting has started to be learnt, narrowboat/folk style, to be exact, and this requires new brushes and a new pad to be gessoe’d black. The brushes I have are either too soft or too stiff. To a non painter this must seem illogical, but other painters who do varying styles will know of the need. A carpenter dose not have one saw, nor does a mechanic have just one type of spanner, it works on the same principle for artist after the stroke left by the brush in hand.

Having said that…There is a slight hoarder aspect to the whole process, or rather a perfectionist quest for the perfect tool.

Some thing I think can be summed up quite well by the thought I had when overhearing a mother discussing her daughters selection of art supplies for purchasing…’You have all that?” “Yes, I am doing a large project.” “I understand that, but I don’t think you need all of that.” “Some of it is for general college use as well, I always use a lot of pads.” “I agree on the pads, and on the card for the project, but you can leave the pens behind – you have enough pens!” My mind raced to the question…

Yes, but are they the ‘right’ pens though?

I find out in a couple of days if the brushes are in fact my ‘right’ tools for the job.

Reflections 2020 w05

One is going to try and write this without going into a moan.

Circumstances out of my control this week had me meeting the duty manager at the hospital. I was sent there by my art coordinator because my twitching was at a state she has not seen before. And she thought it best to be seen now to see if the medication, they stopped pre Christmas, could be looked at again.

So I went up, and saw a nurse due to us mental patients turning up like busses, one duty manager – 4 patients.

So I start talking to the two of them, I presume one was a trainee, although it was never mentioned, and they initially concluded that I may need some depression medication, though one would have to wait until my appointment on the 24th of Feb.

This has been the standard treatment so far – medication, medication, medication. With each new med I get a new side effect that makes me ill, coincidence of course. That is not a snarky comment, it is what I am always told – it is just coincidence.

I commented on a few other things and on the fact that the medication does not work. At least work to the end goal of fixing the problem. To which they agreed it was not a long term solution. This I was told right at the beginning, nearly 9 years ago, it was also when I was told medication for depression was only a short term help. Therapy is the answer to working through it.

I may have mentioned this before.

One has also been told my depression is a side effect of another problem, rather like pain from a broken leg, don’t fix the leg – don’t fix the pain.

A common diagnosis from councillors is PTSD, mainly from the lifelong bullying, but topped with a stressor that pushed my mind too far.

This however has always been dismissed by the psychologists who follow the initial diagnosis made from a Neurological psychologist who was looking for physical causes to my problem. Due to the sudden onset of twitching and stammering. Overruling in one half an hour, once a year, a diagnosis made from several hours over a couple of months. But their diagnosis does not matter. Even if it renders why I am with them obsolete.

Counselling has been for the twitch, speech, and voluntary anger management, twice now, mainly to try and alleviate my frustration with the mental health treatment. Even this is now following patterns of some bullying/manipulation methods. ‘There is the door, leave if you want to, we wont stop you..whilst stopping you, controlling you, manipulating your possible actions.’

Treatment for the psychological aspect of the speech and twitch led towards the PTSD diagnosis from a psychologist, but therapy could go no further as it was not linked to the day to day acceptance of the twitch in its physical psychological form. I had accepted there was nothing I could do…Because the doctors told me there was nothing I could do.It will go away in time.

So a recommendation for psychotherapy was made by them, and  then ignored.

So there I was…Physical problem causes mental problem? No, maybe, cant rule it out, but it may be that the mental problem causes the physical, but that’s rare so it cant be that, don’t want to make the condition common now. And it does not fit with the depression diagnosis.

Over and over again this pattern of therapy denial has taken place over the years.

But why have I bought this up?

Because I must have said the correct few words at that meeting. It went from “I don’t think you need psychology, just medication.” To being put down for recommendation for psychology and exposure therapy and group therapy.

One presumes one has not resolved the issues that are keeping myself unwell through the  8 plus years of medication.

But will it lead to anything this time? Or will it just be quashed once more? The cycle of frustration and hopelessness looping over and over, yet never moving.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel…It’s just a shame it’s the light from the tunnel construction crew way up ahead, furiously building new sections of tunnel.