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Reflections…Week Ten

canstockphoto8630797Positive well-being was the course for this week.

Run by Brighter Futures and Echo, these free learning courses cover subjects, in my opinion, that should be taught in schools, and here I am half a lifetime later just learning how to social interact.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t for one minute blame my teachers for the playground bullying and the social awkwardness I felt, nor do I think that the teachers should be doing these subjects whilst teaching other subjects, I think this should be a class of its own. Self development. I believe the school “holiday’s” at Stanley Head was the closest I got to this.

But this was out of context to normal life, most of my bullies were of an older age, so not there, and as every “team event” from that point onwards seems to be sorted – outcasts were paired or grouped with outcasts.

Could my life have been different if I was taught how to recognise different personality types, therefore having mine recognised for its benefits, and how to best interact and work with each? If I was taught how to build my self esteem, would that have put an end to the bullying, at work if not at the school? Would I have not turned down promotions, because I had been told by my peers at school that I was worthless, so could not possibly hold the position? Could I take rejection better, or even praise? Could I have been a better human being?

The term human being may seem a little odd, de-personalised even, and in a sense it is. Having had the point in my life of being so low as to be sectioned, being sectioned is not the same for everybody -this is my own personal account – and questioning the very existence of the world around me whilst trying to comprehend the in-comprehensible implosion of my life. Implosion does not even begin to explain the complete claustrophobia, of ones own minds creation, and the fears it creates to try and protect itself, but I could not fathom a better word that describes the inward collapse without referencing some obscure theoretical physics reference.  You become the ultimate weapon to defeat yourself.

But through therapies, courses, art and persistence, I have started to realise that my actions of the past were heavily influenced by the negative actions of others.  Some where quite literally beat into me, and to my shame, I interacted with others the same way. This also had the effect of making me easily manipulatable, having a previously unknown sense  of wanting to please, easily falling for a “distress story” requiring help and being self destructive within my personal life.

It’s easy to look back and say “yes, it could have!”, but strangely this action would hold me back from going forward, would have..should have..could have.. belongs to the Three Stooges, not me.

I may be a late starter in self development, but a start I have made, its kind of like learning a new language, you either have to be taught it or shown how to implement it through interactions with a range of people in a controlled positive environment, these courses do both.

Through the blogs I have learnt that it is not just what you have to say, but also the way you say it that impose barriers. I have to learn to replace I’m with I am, I’m has become a negative for me. Never do I go to the trouble of saying “I am not” it is always “I’m not” when the following words are negative. I have even been shown that no can be said in a more positive way.

This word simple swap and pause can empower…

“I, AM”

This is my way forward. This is my way to a better me.

I,am change!

I, am my future!

I, am now!

www.awanderthroughthemind.co.uk/reflections-2017

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